


think, feel, let go

by chopinseimei



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: (i guess it's a happy ending), Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-28 02:45:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15038963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chopinseimei/pseuds/chopinseimei
Summary: “Shoma-” but it comes out before he can stop it, stuttered and sobbed out, and Shoma wishes this wasn’t happening.“I’mgay,Yuzuru.”The silence is deafening.





	think, feel, let go

Shoma can’t sleep.

He knows that he won’t be shutting his eyes for a good few hours when he finds himself unable to get comfortable, pillow irritable and itchy where it had been so comforting just days earlier, blankets too heavy or too hot or too cold, and he can’t stand it. But he also can’t stand getting up and doing anything- and besides, it’s only gala practice tomorrow. Noone’s going to miss him if he’s late.

But, of course, when there’s nothing else to do but sit in bed and count the same pattern on the ceiling that’s not going anywhere, Shoma’s thoughts drift. Lately, it’s been to Yuzuru, but really when has it not? The other skater (who, unfortunately, is Shoma’s roommate right now) has always been there, tugging at the corners of his mind or at the forefront when they’re together, always so close. Too close, Shoma thinks, and that’s when he starts spiraling.

He knows that he can’t ignore his feelings for Yuzuru, but he doesn’t exactly want to draw attention to them right now either. Even if he can’t admit it, he knows what this is, plain and simple. A crush. A stupid one at that. But he doesn’t want to think further into it, think about what it means that a boy is the one making his heart race, that a boy is the one that he’d spent late nights dreaming of a life with.

Because he knows what he is.

Gay. The word, even as a thought, feels like poison.

Shoma feels sick to his stomach, a kind of feeling that only  _ this _ can bring on. Because he’s tried-  _ god, _ he’s tried- far too much, spent so many nights wishing away this curse only to wake up in the morning to the same tired, pathetic face when he looks in the mirror. And Shoma knows it’s not a secret that he doesn’t think much of himself in general, but this may be the only part of him that he truly hates. Because it’s the one part of himself that he can’t get rid of with sobs or a bandage or countless hours dreaming of a different kind of reality. One where his friends wouldn’t hate him if he told them, where his career wouldn’t be at risk if there's even a slight rumour, where even some part of this could be considered  _ normal. _

But it isn’t. And it never will be. So Shoma’s doomed to spend the rest of his life in hiding, laughing off the advances of girls because _skating has and always will be his first love,_ even if it’s actually dark glimmering eyes, soft and oh-so kissable lips, delicate hands and shoulders carrying the weight of twelve world records and two Olympic gold medals.

And he’ll be stuck like this. Despite all his best attempts, he’s stopped fighting it, smothered the lingering stares but let the thoughts run their course. He’s resigned to living like this, loving a  _ boy _ \- a boy who’ll never love him back- and hating it all the same.

A choked-out sob claws it’s way from Shoma’s throat, but he quickly reminds himself that yes, there is someone else in the room with him- he’d hate to wake Yuzuru up on a night before practice, and he’d never be able to shake it off if he cried in front of one of his idols. With shaking hands, he attempts to cover his mouth to stifle the noise, but the damage is already done. He hears a slight rustling of sheets from the bed next to him. Yuzuru lets out a small sleepy noise.

“..Sho?” he murmurs. Shoma squeezes his eyes shut. “Are you okay?”

“I’m- it’s fine.” it comes out weak; he already knows Yuzuru won’t believe him. “Just- go back to sleep, okay?” Yuzuru’s silent for a few seconds, and for a fleeting moment Shoma thinks that’s the end of it.

“Shoma.” he says again, firmer. “You’re not _ fine.” _

“Look, Yuzu, it’s just-” he glances over at the older skater for a brief moment and regrets it when he sees those dark, glimmering eyes staring back at him. “We have practice tomorrow- you need your rest.” his voice is shaky and he keeps trying to stop himself from crying again. It’s not working.

“You do too,” Yuzuru’s voice softens slightly. Shoma hears him sit up in his bed, followed by soft footsteps coming towards his bed. Shoma tries his hardest not to look back, but he can almost feel Yuzuru’s gaze on him. “and you’re not getting to sleep like this.”

Shoma’s breath catches in his throat and he’s all too aware of the fact that he’s curled up into a ball, hands still covering his face. It’s pathetic, but maybe showing Yuzuru how much of a wreck he is right now would be even worse.

Yuzuru’s hand is soft on Shoma’s cheek, and despite the tears stinging at his eyes Shoma only makes a weak attempt at keeping him away. “Hey,” Yuzuru gently pushes Shoma’s hands away from his face. “Shoma, look at me.”

He does. And it hurts.

Covers tugged up to his chest with shaking hands holding them tight, Yuzuru’s worried gaze on him, Shoma has never felt so vulnerable. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut.

“I don’t deserve you.” Shoma mumbles. Yuzuru frowns, before sitting down on the edge of Shoma’s bed.

“That’s stupid,” he says, moving his hand from Shoma’s cheek to run through his hair. It’s only slightly soothing. “If anything, _ I _ don’t deserve you. Do you know how many times you’ve helped me when I’m upset?” Shoma shakes his head, because he can’t really think of how  _ he _ of all people helps Yuzuru. The older skater smiles, small and a little sad, and ruffles Shoma’s hair. “Too many times. So just.. talk to me, Sho?”

“Yuzu-” his voice cracks, and he abruptly sits up to wrap his arms around the other. “I- I really don’t, you’re perfect and _ I’m-”  _ Shoma can’t say it, can’t bear to see their friendship crumble because he couldn’t just be  _ normal. _

“Shoma-” but it comes out before he can stop it, stuttered and sobbed out, and Shoma wishes this wasn’t happening.

“I’m  _ gay,  _ Yuzuru.”

The silence is deafening. Shoma thinks he might throw up.

Yuzuru doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. His hand is frozen in Shoma’s hair, the other still holding him close. Maybe they can pretend this didn’t happen, that Shoma didn’t just admit the one thing he’d swore he’d keep hidden, but every second that passes by is another second that Shoma has to try not to break down completely in Yuzuru’s arms.

“Oh.” Yuzuru breathes out, and lowers his hand. “Oh,  _ Shoma.”  _ Yuzuru hates him. He’ll leave, get a new room, stay as far away as possible, because Shoma couldn’t just shut up about it. But he doesn’t let go yet.

“I’m sorry.” Shoma mutters, muffled by the fabric of Yuzuru’s shirt.

“Shoma, there’s nothing to be sorry for.” Yuzuru says slowly, loosening his embrace around Shoma but still not letting go. “You can’t help it. You’re perfect the way you are.”

“But I’m not-!” Shoma protests, leaning away slightly. “I’ve tried to stop being like this- I should be _ able _ to-! But it doesn’t work, why can’t I just-” he throws his arms out, knocking Yuzuru’s arm a little. “be  _ normal?!”  _ A weird look crosses Yuzuru’s face; pained, with a hint of something that Shoma can’t quite place.

“Normal is  _ boring.”  _ Yuzuru scrunches his nose a bit, and despite how utterly _ sick  _ and horrified he feels right now, Shoma can find it in him to admit it’s cute. “You don’t  _ have  _ to change, Shoma. You’re perfectly fine-”

“I’m _ not, _ Yuzu!” at this point, he’s backing away quickly, hands shaking even more and tears spilling faster. “You don’t know what it’s like- I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and  _ hate myself!  _ I want to change it and I’ve tried but I’m stuck like this!  _ How would you know how that feels?!” _

Yuzuru freezes. Shoma realises that the tears in Yuzuru’s eyes aren’t just out of pity. The older skater laughs, a little bitter, and finally lets go of Shoma.

“How do I know how that feels..?” his voice is just shy of a whisper. The moonlight streaming in through the curtains make the tears rolling down his cheeks shine, and Shoma feels his heart break. “Shoma, I think like that all the time.”

And it clicks.

The odd body language around girls, the way Yuzuru never quite knew how to react when one of them freaked out about his skating, the awkward way he’d sometimes glance away from their male competitors.

“Oh, god.” Shoma whispers. “Yuzu- I’m so sorry.”

Because he’d just said all of that- how much he hates who he is, how he’d give anything to change it and has tried, how he wishes he was anything else but this- to someone who’s just like him. And how stupid he'd been, to assume that Yuzuru was this or that because it was _normal._

It’s silent, and Shoma just sits there, waiting for Yuzuru to hate him.

“..it’s fine.” but he just smiles sadly, looking away again. “I know how it feels.” and Shoma wishes he didn’t, because Yuzuru doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve to hate himself for something he can’t control.

(Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Shoma wonders why that statement doesn’t apply to him, too.)

“Seriously though, Shoma.” Yuzuru bites his lip, one hand hesitantly coming up to rest on Shoma’s waist. “I. Really do hate it- sometimes- I want to be…”  _ normal.  _ “different.”

Shoma’s about to open his mouth to reply, but Yuzuru continues. “But you know- other times I don’t care. It’s who _ I _ am, who _ I _ love, and I really shouldn’t give a shit about what other people think.” this time, his smile doesn’t seem as sad. “And I know it’s not as easy as suddenly embracing it- that’d be stupid and I wish it _ was-  _ but people talk, your mind runs wild.”

Shoma’s startled out of staring at Yuzuru’s eyes when the older skater’s other hand moves, pauses. Then settles on top of Shoma’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “But at the end of the day-” Yuzuru genuinely grins now, laughing a little. “-sorry, I’m not good at this whole motivational talk thing, but- you know, I accept you and all. And I know a bunch of the other skaters would, even if you never come out to them. And-”

Yuzuru gets cut off when Shoma all-but launches forward, bringing Yuzuru into a hug. He lets out a little ‘oof’ at the impact, patting Shoma on the back.

“Thank you.” Shoma murmurs, feeling like he might cry all over again. “Yuzu, you’re amazing- I- I-”  _ I love you, _ he doesn’t say, because even if all this hadn’t made the other hate him admitting that most certainly would. “Just.. thank you.” he finishes lamely, before leaning a little to the side to wipe his runny nose on the shoulder of Yuzuru’s shirt.

“Oh, ew.” Yuzuru giggles, batting Shoma away. He peers over the younger skater’s sholder to check the time on his alarm clock and cringes. “Ah, it’s 2am. We.. should probably get some sleep now.” he gets up to leave, and Shoma doesn’t know what dumb part catches his wrist and asks him to  _ stay, just for a bit. _

“I mean- it’s probably stupid but- I’m still an emotional wreck-”

“I know.” Yuzuru cuts him off with a smile and another small laugh, and settles back down onto Shoma’s bed more comfortably. “It’s fine. You’re really warm anyway, so I don’t mind.”

Shoma would ask how exactly Yuzuru knows that, but that thought only occurs to him long after the other has fallen asleep next to him, eyelashes casting soft shadows over lightly flushed cheeks. Shoma himself is a little too caught up in Yuzuru’s beauty to fall asleep just yet.

As he finally feels his consciousness slipping, it’s with a strange sense of security and Yuzuru’s arms around him.

Maybe he’ll never learn to fully appreciate or love this part of him, maybe he’ll never really stop hating it sometimes, but at the very least he can accept it, not let it eat away at his mind when all he wants to do is get to sleep. And some others won’t be able to accept it, maybe not for years down the road, but Yuzuru isn’t _some people._ And maybe it’s stupid, that just one person accepting him means so much, but when Shoma feels so content in these moments he can’t find it in him to care.

For the first time in years, Shoma falls asleep feeling just about okay.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!!!!! this fic is. A Personal-ish Thing? but also: this is nOT meant to be speculating on skater's sexualities or anything, that's just Bad. this is just a thing i wrote for fun hdhdfgf
> 
> as per usual all my social media is chopinseimei!! hmu if you ever wanna talk uwu


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